Now Playing Tracks

I have issues. Like serious major jealousy issues. I don’t know what to do with this. Don’t know how to deal with it, especially on top of everything else. This emotion is not one I understand at all….*sigh*

I just want to give up. On everything. Nothing I do seems to work the way I want it to or the way I think it should. Nothing.

In life, I have fallen in love. I didn’t see it coming. Don’t know when it happened but I have. Normally this would be when I get to celebrate with my family and friends. Revel in this new part of my life. But I have fallen for a girl. An amazing, far-too-good-for-me girl. One who seems to complete that part of me made for another person. The only problem is this other person I a girl who my parents don’t approve of on a fundamental level because they think it means I’m turning from God and my faith. I tried to tell them I’m not turning from God, but they said they couldn’t stay with me if I chose this path. I ended up telling them, in a round about way (because I was completely heartbroken at their words) that I would just be friends with this girl. I also told her this, though I want more then anything to be her girlfriend. Which is how I am identifying her right now because I know I love her, I just don’t know if can bare to watch my family leave me. I can’t even fall in love right. I mean you would think, the girl who has perfected the art of falling would be able to do this thing right. But of course I can’t. I hurt the woman I love continually and hurt my parents as well. And may end up hurt all of them further.

In school, I do an assignment only to find out I did it wrong. In fact, the next three assignments I will probably do wrong and have to spend a large amount of time bsing what I’m supposed to do because I didn’t understand it at first. This means I may pass my class but my 4.0 is out the window. The one thing I fought for. The one thing I thought I could do no matter what. I have failed. I failed myself. I can’t even do school right!! I mean it’s the one thing I’ve always been able to do well in. I work hard, I do my best, I get good grades. That is the one thing I have always been able to do. I can’t even do that. I mean I have hyperventilated about school two times in two days. The first one even lasted for almost a full hour.

I’m so tired. My body is tired of everything. Of thinking about how to work with my family. How to make things work with my girl. If I can finish school. If I can actually be a teacher. If life will every work out for me. If I’m destined to be a failure who is alone forever. Just me, my cats, and God. Don’t get me wrong, that isn’t a bad life, but it would be rather lonely. Even God said man should not be alone…but perhaps that is what I am meant to be. Working some job and being alone. At least that way I couldn’t hurt anyone that way.

To Tumblr, Love Pixel Union