So many emotions. All the time. Losing myself inside of my own head. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t do anything well. That I just fail or suck at everything. Even school which I always felt I was good at. I’m worried about school because I feel like I’m going to lose my 4.0 with this class. This leads me toward a mental breakdown. And no one understand this. I do mean no one. They look at me like I’m nuts, tell me ‘it’s not the end of the world’, or make me feel stupid/bad for complaining cause they have more important things to worry about in their lives. Add to this I’ve counted down the classes till I got to this one. It’s on Shakespeare. My favorite!! And it’s going to screw with everything.
Then there’s my best friend. Well, I want to call her that but I don’t know anymore. She’s not the same person and it’s killing me to watch it happen. To see her slowly slipping away from me. Becoming this façade. This fake representation of herself. It’s the same body but my friend is gone. I don’t want to lose her yet I don’t know how to keep her because she chose him. She chose this other life and I’m not welcome there. I just want her back. So much.
Then there’s my family. Since my nephew came back early from seeing his mom I get to see him. All the time. The tension between me, my mom, and him is most lovely. Getting to deal with his attitude, which is so much like the other males in my family that I never want to have a boyfriend, is driving me crazy. And because he has issues (legitimate but still) with his father and mother, my mom will give him leeway in everything. Anything he does that bothers me is deemed ‘not important’ or ends with her just saying ‘can’t you two just get along’.
I also want my girlfriend to be closer. To see her more. To not have to hide. I miss her so much. She’s so wonderful but the distance is really hard. Hiding isn’t much easier but still. Only a few more days then I’ll get to see her for a while.
Everything keeps compounding. Building up. Never ending. *sigh* I just don’t know what to do right now. I know so many people have it worse then me. Have more problems, more issues, more difficult things to deal with then me. I guess I should just suck-it-up and deal with it.